So yesterday, I was a multitasking master. We had just arrived home from a trip to St. Louis the night before, and in a very short span of time, I had cranked it OUT, folks. Before noon, I had fed my kids, put one down for a nap, played, done laundry, cleaned my kitchen, figured out how to make homemade mac & cheese without milk (thanks, google!), pulled something out for dinner, fed my kids again, dressed them, & showered & dressed myself. BOOYAH. Then, I went to work, came home, & in an hour's time, I managed to bake said mac & cheese, change diapers, make baby food, pack a diaper bag & swim bag, & make it to a friend's house ON TIME for dinner. HOLLA AT YA GIRL! YEAH! I FREAKING ROCK.
After the cookout, Joe headed home to put the kids to bed, & I ran to the grocery store to get some much needed essentials. As I stood waiting my turn at the deli, basking in the glory of getting through this day like a BOSS, a kind man started talking to me. We chatted a bit, and then he said, "So, you're expecting, I see!". Um, WHAT?! NO. HELL NO. Just like that, my little happy bubble burst into a thousand pieces. Day shattered. Accomplishments thrown by the wayside.
While I would like to say that I was able to let the man's assumption roll off my back, I am afraid the opposite is true. As I walked down the aisles, my mind filled with so much self loathing & disgust for the current state of my body that I could barely continue to shop. I was on the verge of tears, & as hard as I tried, those mean things I thought about myself could not be silenced. Finally, I stopped my cart, pulled out my phone, & texted my three close friends to tell them what had just happened. I dumped it on them so that I could stop dumping it on myself. It was the only thing I could think to do, & in that moment of desperation, I received an outpouring of love.
The texts started rolling in, telling me not to believe the lies in my head, that I was a good person - a beautiful person, that I was loved, that I wasn't alone. When I got to my car, I cried. I cried a lot. Partly because I was sad, but mostly because it felt good to know that people had my back.
I read once that if you wear good jeans & your hair looks nice, people often think you have it all together. I think I dress pretty well, & I love a cute hairdo, but can I tell you something? I am a MESS sometimes. Like, a BIG one. And right now, I am struggling. I am struggling with my body image. I am struggling with not liking what I see in the mirror every day. I am struggling with the idea that I might not ever look how I used to look, & that people might talk about it. I'll be honest; I love attention. I love being the funny one, the cute one, the best one. I really like being the cute one. I know it is dumb - it is totally ridiculous that I am in my thirties & still care about this, but I do. So when I don't look how I think I need to look, I tell myself some really crazy lies. I tell myself that I peaked in high school, that everyone thinks I'm fat, that I need to lose this last 10 pounds or I'll never look good again, that I'm not enough, that I'm ugly.
I know I'm not the only one who struggles with what they see in the mirror each day, because my friends (who I think are gorgeous, thin, & fabulous!) tell me they struggle too. I don't understand how they could struggle, since I see them as so fantastic, but they say the same to me. So what is WRONG here? Why are we doing this to ourselves? When am I going to believe that I am enough, & that I am doing the best that I can?
This must stop. And I know that I'm only one person, but I'm going to name it again.... and again... and again. However many times I need to name it, I'm going to do it until it stops. Stops for me, stops for all of us. We are enough. We are smart, kind, fun, beautiful, creative, and loved by God. I am enough. I am funny, emotional, loud, silly, compassionate, & giving. I am more than my weight, more than my face, more than a number on a scale. So I'm throwing that dumb thing out today. Out to the trash it goes. I'm letting good into my heart & I'm going to try my best to silence the lies. I have family, friends, and a God who sees me & knows me. They think I am enough, & I'm going to try to believe it too.
If you are reading this, could you do me a favor? Can you reply in the comments & tell me one good thing about yourself? I would love that. And maybe, just maybe, you need to be reminded that you are enough too.
