enough.

Lately, I have been a little obsessed with looking in the mirror.   It is getting kind of ridiculous, and is taking up way too much of my life.  Usually, it is to make sure I don't look tubby, or that my booty doesn't look too big, or that I don't have peanut butter smudged across the front of my shirt.  While one of the three are valid reasons to check the mirror before you head out the door, I think that we can all agree that the other two can be a deadly combination.  My obsessive mirror checking is usually followed by a demand of Joe's full attention to ask how I look.  He always answers positively, which annoys me and forces the follow up question, "Do I look fat?".   Like the genius that he is, his response is ALWAYS no.  ALWAYS.  (He has his Masters Degree, people.)  He only seems slightly annoyed that I have asked him these two questions every day for AT LEAST four years (read: eight years), so mad props to him.  However, it is now to the point that I am actually over it myself.  So, TODAY friends, I am making a change.  For TODAY, I wrote this on my mirror:

Why this word? I have my reasons, and the first is to stop the madness.  I am declaring to myself that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. That's right, enough is enough, Tiffany Graham.  How many times a day must you look at every angle of your ass?  Why must you obsess over your chubby knees?!  Are chubby knees an actual thing?  And if they are, why do you CARE so much?  And your stomach.  STOP IT with the stomach.  You had two babies.  You're older.  You're doing the best you can.  GET OVER YOURSELF.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Here's the second reason:  I wrote it on my mirror to remind myself that I am enough.  I am enough.  I AM ENOUGH.  I wonder what would happen if I actually lived into this statement?  What would my days look like?  How would I treat myself?  What if, instead of looking in the mirror to find every little flaw, I looked in the mirror knowing that I was enough?  What if I looked into the mirror to remind myself that I am a beloved Child of God, that the Creator of the Universe thinks I'm worth dying for, and so that MUST mean that I am enough?

Instead of seeing a body that could tone up, I want to look at myself and remember that I am a good wife, a loving mother, a caring friend, a faithful daughter & sister.  I want to look at my laugh lines and remember that I am happy, that I am funny, and that I know how to have a good time.  When I feel a little flabby, I want to remind myself that I carried two babies, and that while my body might not look how it did when I was 20, I feel SO loved and valued.  (I was TOTALLY TOO SKINNY then anyway. ;))  I am smart, I am kind, I am sassy, I am loud, I am passionate, I am loving and thoughtful. And I will still be all of those things even if my pants are a little tight.  I AM ENOUGH.

I'm going to try to stop with all of this mirror obsessing.  Or maybe, I'm going to stop with all of the NEGATIVE mirror obsessing.  Maybe now when I look in the mirror, I'll say "Damn, girl!  You look GOOD!  Being enough looks fab on you!"  And then I will talk to my mirror about how I got my cute shirt on clearance at TJ Maxx, and then Joe will get annoyed because I'm still spending a lot of time in front of the mirror, but now I'm just cocky and weirdly talking to myself.  But still, no shady Tiff talk!  All good vibes, baby!  ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH.  This is going to be strange and fun, and could possibly drive my husband to drink... So of course I shall do it.

What about you? Do you know that you're enough?  Because YOU ARE ENOUGH.  I know this because I am very smart, and that makes it true, so you must believe me.  (Have I mentioned that I am also a little bossy?)  How would you live if you believed that you were enough? Would you do something you never thought possible?  Step out and take a risk.  Ask for support and see what happens.  You don't have to be alone... We can walk through this together.    

So, wear that dress, girl... and I mean WEAR IT.  You are enough for that Dress.  Stand up for yourself.  You are enough and deserve to be treated with respect.  Apply for that job that you think might be out of your league.  Don't let that boy break your heart again.  YOU ARE ENOUGH.  You don't need him to make you complete.  Don't let him steal your joy, your worth, your heart.  Let yourself be loved.  Run that race.  It will be hard, but you can do it.  You are enough, so take care of your temple.  Whatever it is, it is worth a try.  Let's do this.  Let's believe we are enough and do this together.

I Woke Up Like This.

Hello out there!  Happy New Year!  Yes, I realize that it is March, but can I be frank?  January and February have kind of blown.  I mean the SNOW, the SNOT, the SCREAMING, the WHINING (mostly by me) is enough to make anyone go insane.  So I'm putting those months behind me, and the new year starts today!  Woo!  Where's my champagne?

I'm stepping into this new year a little terrified, as I have made some commitments to myself that are out of my comfort zone.  It has been a while since I have stepped out, and I'm not sure that I am fully ready. But are we ever REALLY ready to step out of our comfort zone?  So I'm taking a breath, saying a prayer, and trusting that I can do hard things.  So here we go...

It will come as no surprise to most of you that I am a bit Beyonce obsessed.  Bey and I go way back to 2011 when we shopped together in Soho.  (Read: My friend and I were shopping at a store, Beyonce was standing 10 feet from us, we watched her every move while texting all of our family and friends, then squealed like school girls with the rest of the employees while she went down the escalator.) Basically, we are best friends.  Soul sisters.  She even cut her hair like mine after she saw me at her concert last summer.  (There is no way she saw me at her concert last summer.)

ANYWAY, while joining our world's fascination with Queen Bey, I have noticed a few things about myself.  One, I have an unhealthy knowledge about a person who does not know that I exist.  :) Two, I have placed some unrealistic expectations on myself by comparing my life to hers.  I look at her and see a powerful, THIN, gorgeous woman.  I look at myself and see a tired, flabby, average looking mother of two.  I don't just compare myself to Beyonce either.  I catch myself looking at friends, strangers, and co-workers to see where I add up.  Am I thinner than them?  Prettier than them? Are they smarter or more creative than me?  Do they look better in that outfit?  It is a never ending battle that I fight on a daily basis, and I am ready for it to stop.

I have always been known for my confidence.  I have been successful at most things, and that makes people assume that things don't get to me.  I give off the vibe that what people think doesn't matter, and what they say doesn't hurt.  Since I'm committing to honesty on this blog, I will now admit that I mostly fake it.  Fake the confidence, fake the toughness, fake the thick skin.  And that is why I am terrified to step out this year.  I fear what people might say if I show the real me.  I'm scared that people will be mean, that they will judge me, and that they will use my past to dictate who I am today.  I am scared to fail.  Most of all, I am scared to peel away all of the layers and get to the root of why I feel how I feel, because that means I will be facing some demons that I have managed to lock down for a while.  Those demons terrify me a bit.

You see, I WANT people to see this when they look at me:

But let's be honest.  Most of the time, this is how I look: 

I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.  I'm tired, I'm sick, and I just yelled at my kid.  I don't have a Glam Squad. In fact, I am confident that the squad I have over here tries their best to strip away whatever glam I have left.  (I'm hanging on to what little I have with clenched teeth & a solid grip.) I'm not the best at anything.  I'm not the best mom, wife, friend, writer, Christian... Not even close.  I'm not okay with that, but I'm going to try to embrace it.  Currently, I'm the best at knocking myself on my ass, being my biggest critic, and getting in my own way.  So I'm pushing that girl down and letting my real self step out for once in her life.  I'm always going be a mess.  A BIG HOT MESS.  But I'm ready to wade through it and name what is holding me back.  

I'd love for you to join me on this journey. I promise to be as honest as possible, if you promise to be honest too.  I promise to be kinder to myself and to others, because really?  We are all just doing the best that we can.  It is going to be effing hard, (yes, effing is a word) but I'm going to suck it up and do it anyway.  Wanna ride?  I'll see you soon! 

xo

tiff 

(Mom, I would just like to state, for the record, that I only cursed ONCE in this post.  "Effing" does not count as a curse word, and "ass" really isn't so bad, is it?  I have a problem.  I'm sorry.  MESSY- remember?!)